Episode 61: What if I know what to do but can't get myself to do it?

Episode Description

In this episode of What If? For Authors, Claire tackles a common question for writers: what if I know what to do but just can’t get myself to do it?

Whether you're struggling to finish a book series, start a new project, or make a business decision, the problem might not be a lack of discipline or motivation.

Claire explores the deeper reasons we resist taking action, from following advice that doesn't actually align with our needs to holding onto projects we've outgrown, lacking essential resources, or confronting fears that make moving forward feel unsafe.

In This Episode, You’ll Learn

  • Why the thing you think you should do might not actually be right for you

  • How holding onto old projects and expectations can prevent new opportunities

  • Why letting go of a creative dream sometimes requires a period of grief

  • How limited time, energy, money, or emotional support can create legitimate barriers to action

  • What the window of tolerance is and how it affects your ability to handle discomfort

  • The difference between healthy discomfort, hyperarousal, and hypoarousal

  • How each Enneagram type can identify its particular patterns of avoidance, resistance, and fear

  • When support from a friend, coach, or therapist might help you move forward

Resources Mentioned

Support the Show

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  • Leave a review on your favorite platform - it helps other authors find the show.

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Happy writing!

TRANSCRIPT:

[00:00:00] Welcome back to another episode of What If for Authors. I'm so glad you're here. My name's Claire Taylor, and I'm an Enneagram certified coach for authors, as well as a humor and mystery writer. If you are curious about how you can build a more sustainable author career in uncertain times, you can find my services at liberatedwriter.com. I have books, courses, individual coaching, all kinds of free and paid resources for you to dig into.

For today's episode, I will point you straight toward my book, "Sustain Your Author Career," which will offer additional insight that you might need to dig deeper into today's topic. So what I'm talking about today is a question I get all the time in my one-on-one coaching, and it's just so damn relatable, y'all.

It's basic human condition shit, which I love exploring with people, so it's not a problem that I get it quite frequently. I encounter this question myself, too. So it usually takes a little poking around [00:01:00] to find the answer for each individual, and that's what I'm gonna do today, just guide you through poking around as we explore the question: What if I know what to do, but I can't get myself to do it?

The first thing I like to do is not take the question as a given. That is, maybe it feels like you know what to do but can't get yourself to do it, but that's actually not what's happening here. So my first question would be, are you sure that the thing you know to do is actually what you know to do? So for instance, maybe someone told you to do it or you saw it work for someone else, so you, quote-unquote, know you need to do it.

But do you? So much of the time we get stuck on this question because that thing we, quote unquote, "know to do" is actually something that our self-knowledge tells us is simply not for us. We don't [00:02:00] need to be doing that thing

For instance, let's say you know you need to write three more books of your current series before you wrap it, because that'll bring it to a nice seven-book series which sells in your genre, and yet you can't get yourself to write the next book, let alone three more. Maybe there's a part of you that knows something contradictory to this thing you claim to know.

Maybe there's a part of you that knows you've outgrown this series and these characters, and the audience has cooled. The sales for the books aren't making you enough for this to be an enjoyable investment of your time, and you'd much rather work on this other series in a hot niche that's been calling to you for a year now " I know I should just finish out this seven-book series, Claire, but I can't get myself to do it."

Hmm. Or maybe you know better than what you think you know. So that's where I'd start. Is this thing you think you know, you assume [00:03:00] you know to do, actually the thing to do? So maybe your inner knowing is what's keeping its foot on the brake when it comes to taking action. So if that doesn't solve the inner tension, here's where I'd poke around next.

Maybe you're pretending you can start something new without letting something else go. "I know I should jump on this opportunity, but I just can't get myself to start." That's what it might sound like. We amass a lot of projects and responsibilities over the course of our career. You may be trying to hold on really tight to dead weight, a series, a project, a co-writer, and it's just eating up your reserves.

Or maybe it's time to let go of a project, for now at least, but you refuse to do so because you're scared of disappointing some of your readers. It's really hard to start a new project or do that thing you [00:04:00] know you should do when you're already maxed out Letting go of projects is not easy. What can lessen the pain is to remember you can come back to them later if you want, but only if you want.

It also helps to tell yourself something like, "I'm not going to revisit that series until January of next year at the earliest." So you're letting yourself off the hook. And no, you do not have to fill in your readers on your internal timeline. Just, if they ask about it, just tell them it's in the works.

It's okay

Sometimes letting go of projects means letting go of our dreams for that project, and this can be a deeply emotional experience. There is a sort of death involved in it. Maybe we thought the book or series was going to be our big break, and we have to let go of that hope to turn our attention towards something else, like a new series [00:05:00] or taking better care of our health.

Letting go of things that are hanging onto us without propelling us forward can feel like a relief, but usually there's a period of mourning that comes first. To become more agile as an author, you have to learn to head straight into that mourning, because it won't keep you there if you don't fight with it, and that's how you get to the other side where new opportunities that are right for you right now are waiting So ask yourself if you can't do that thing you know to do because you have things to let go of first before you can take on that new responsibility, project, or practice Sometimes when we know what to do but we can't get ourselves to do it, that's because we literally do not have the resources we need for it.

So these resources could be time, energy, money, emotional support, connections, physical health, whatever. [00:06:00] You may not be in a position to do the thing you know to do, and that sucks. I've been there. I can see the path forward that would work if I just had a little more of this or that available

There's a voice that says to try it anyway. But I think we're showing ourselves compassion most of the time when we don't try to rush forward without the resources needed. For instance, there's a well-known author who, in telling his success story, talks about seeing that his ads were getting like 200% ROI.

So he took out something like $50,000 in business loans and threw them at the ads to make $100,000. So this would be an example of someone pushing themselves forward without truly having the resources. Although there were probably more resources available than disclosed in the story that floats around, since not just anybody can get a $50,000 business [00:07:00] loan.

But stories are very powerful, and I saw a lot of folks try to follow this lead. So they had ads that were delivering great ROI, and they thought, "I know I need to take out a loan and pump it into the ads, but I can't get myself to do it." Good. Because a lot of folks will make this decision, the ads won't scale or will stop working, and then they're just sitting on a massive pile of debt.

The same thing applies to energy. You don't have the energy reserves to take on something new, but you try to push through anyway. That amasses a lot of debt, but you owe it to your body. And I speak from experience, our bodies can be cruel debt collectors. So maybe your inability to take action on that thing you know is a result of simply not having the resources right now, and that can also be really disappointing.[00:08:00]

You may feel some way about it. Maybe you're angry. Maybe you're sad. Maybe you feel like a failure or you feel alone. Just observe those feelings and see if you can trace them back to early narratives you formed around success, hard work, or safety. Do those narratives hold up to closer inspection?

Usually they don't. Maybe this is a time to talk to someone close to you about your feelings and open the door for that person to help you see what you're not seeing in this situation And now the hard part. What if you know the thing you need to do, and it's actually the thing you need to do, and you have the resources available to do it, but you can't get yourself to do the thing? Just do the damn thing

Okay, so probably the thing you know to do puts you in direct confrontation with your core fear or vulnerability. That's probably what's going on here, and that's why you may be, like, beating your head up against a wall, [00:09:00] but you just can't get going. The holdup is that you're trying to figure out a way to do it without any pain, or maybe you're hoping that the fear might just go away, and that's when you start. Almost always when we can't see a path forward, it's because the path starts on the other side of our fear. We have to confront our fear before we can do the thing we know we need to do. And this is no easy feat, obviously. This is, like, probably the hardest thing, but you can do it. You've already done it in ways you're probably downplaying to yourself.

People do it every day. But there are a few things to know that make it easier. If you're doing something that triggers your core fear, it will not feel physically safe to your body. You will have physical reactions and sensations to respect and manage. I say respect because we wanna push ourselves without pushing [00:10:00] ourselves too far too fast.

We have to respect what is uncomfortable versus what is overwhelming, and this is where the concept of the window of tolerance comes in. I'm sure I've talked about this on at least one previous episode, and you might know it from other places. I did not make this up, but it bears repeating. The window of tolerance describes a state where we're challenged, maybe we feel anxiety, but we're able to remain present with ourselves throughout it.

We can push up against that window of tolerance to increase the size of our window over time. And by pushing against the edge without going over, we teach our body and mind that it's safe to be uncomfortable and that that doesn't lead to trauma Some people's window of tolerance is quite small, and others, through practice, have a fairly large one that allows them to do more without stepping outside of it.

It's important to just respect where we're starting [00:11:00] from, and that's gonna be largely dependent on personal history, and then embrace the fact that we have things within our power to grow that window When we step outside that window of tolerance, we enter either hypo-- the hyper. When we step outside that window of tolerance, we enter either hyperarousal, which is the frantic feeling, overactivity, racing heart, agitation, fight or flight mode, or we may move into hypoarousal, which is dissociation, lethargy, checking out, maybe depression.

We're gonna end up outside this window of tolerance sometimes because life happens. That's okay. You don't get points off for that. But with intentional practice, we try to push against the outer edges of our window without going too far. So some people get very itchy even just moving from the center of that window of tolerance.

But if you want your life to grow, [00:12:00] you have to settle into the itchy feeling just a little bit. If you're feeling just a little uncomfortable, pushing yourself to take the next step is probably okay and won't land you outside the window So it's important to ask if that thing you know to do lives inside or outside your window of tolerance.

Exploring your window will help you know this. Maybe that thing you know to do is right at the edge, and you could use a little help from a friend or a coach to encourage you to stop waiting until it's not scary before going forward. Or maybe that thing you know you should do is not the thing you should be doing right now because it'll send you into a spiral, and part of you knows that. This is where it's really good to talk through it with a close friend, a coach, or sometimes a therapist. Yes, this is where we might wanna get into therapy if that window of tolerance doesn't feel like it's large enough to allow some basic life patterns

[00:13:00] So if you find yourself in this position where that thing you know to do is toward the edge of your window of tolerance, and you just want to figure out how to push yourself there, , and you wanna explore it yourself before you start bringing other people into it, don't worry. I have questions for each Enneagram type.

So here are the questions that you can ask yourself if you know what you need to do and you just can't get yourself to do it. So ones, the reformers, ask yourself these questions: Do I actually know what to do, or is this a should I've ingested that I know won't work for me? Where am I anticipating criticism in this process that might be making it feel impossible to start on?

Where am I expecting perfection from myself before I have any reason to know what I'm doing? [00:14:00] Okay, twos, the helpers. Ask yourself these questions. Does doing the thing make me feel selfish? Where do I need to stop helping teenagers or adults so I have the resources to take action that I know I need to take?

What help do I need to get started? Threes, the achievers, ask yourself these questions. Is it possible that I don't value the action but feel it needs to be done because others value it? Am I struggling to do what I know I need to do because I'm worried I will fail? Am I hoping a more efficient approach appears that doesn't require me to slow down in any other parts of my life?

Fours, the individualists, ask yourself these questions: Where am I overcomplicating the process in ways that make it hard to [00:15:00] get started? Have I been ruminating on what I need to do so long I now have feelings about my feelings? If so, am I ready to seek alternative perspectives to those stories to loosen their hold?

Do I feel like the action I know I need to take is somehow beneath me?

Type five, the investigators. Ask yourself these questions: Am I trying to know exactly how to do it before I do it? How might doing what I know to do risk looking foolish? Might I have the ability to laugh off any foolishness along the way? Am I afraid that I don't have the energy to do the thing and am hoarding my resources instead of using them as they're intended to be used?

Type six, the loyalists. Ask yourself these questions: Am I waiting for somebody to tell me exactly how to do it? Am I hoping I'll have [00:16:00] 100% certainty on the thing before I take action? What's the lowest percentage of certainty I could tolerate before moving into action, and might I already have that? How can I support my body in its fear response so it knows it's safe to proceed?

Type seven, the individualist. Ask yourself these questions: In what ways am I seeking stimulation and distraction that lower my tolerance for the pain of doing what I know I need to do? How could I make the thing I know I need to do more fun? Is there a cycle of avoidance and self-recrimination that I need help interrupting type eight, the challenger. Ask yourself these questions. Am I avoiding doing the thing I need to do because it feels too vulnerable? Do I really want my fear of vulnerability to control me that way? Am I not doing the thing because I'm tired [00:17:00] and I need to rest? Am I digging my heels in because somebody told me to do the thing, and while I know it'll work, I don't wanna give them the satisfaction of thinking I was following their orders?

Type 9: the peacemaker. Ask yourself these questions. What feels unsettled in me when I think about doing what I know I need to do? Where am I downplaying the thing as not a big deal so that I don't have to risk conflict to accomplish it? Am I afraid that doing this thing I know to do will wake me up to other tasks, practices, or desires I've fallen asleep to?

So I suggest you go back and listen to your types questions a second time, pausing after each one to give yourself space to really ask it, and then wait for an answer. These are not easy questions to ask because they call on us to be honest and face our fear a little bit. We might not like [00:18:00] the answers that we receive when we listen closely.

But, well, I, I don't know what to tell you. That's the name of the game, y'all. You'll survive the answers, and the truth sets us free. So there you go

See what this episode shakes loose for you and if you're able to start doing the thing you know to do. Then see if it gets you the result you'd hoped for after giving that thing you know to do, giving it a fair try. If you're still unable to get started on the thing you definitely know you need to do, book an author alignment call with me.

You may need to hear it directly from me, sometimes that's the case, or the block could very well be something that we don't have time to cover in a short podcast episode. But I think that most of you will be able to shake out an answer for yourself if you go back through the questions of your type.

And then when you hear a friend say, "I know what I need to do, but I can't get myself to do it," you're welcome to send them this episode. [00:19:00] You might have to hit play for them because listening to this episode might be something they know they need to do but can't get themselves to do. I'm sure glad that you listened to this episode, that this wasn't something you knew you needed to do but couldn't get yourself to do.

Thanks for tuning in. I'm Claire Taylor, and I hope you'll join me for another episode of What If for Authors. Happy writing.