Episode Description:
In this episode, Claire explores why so many authors hate networking (hint: it’s not because you’re antisocial), how the Enneagram can reveal the hidden gifts you bring to any professional community, and why deep, meaningful connections—not surface-level ones—are the real magic behind sustainable author careers.
Whether you’re a conference avoider, an online lurker, or someone who thinks they’re just bad at making friends, this episode is packed with practical advice, gentle encouragement, and some hard-won insights about what it takes to build a network that actually feeds you.
In this episode, you'll learn:
Why many authors resist networking—and how to gently shift that mindset
How your Enneagram type may influence your relationship with connection
The difference between transactional vs. transformational networks
Tips for building relationships that don’t feel forced or fake
What to do if you're socially anxious, neurodivergent, or easily overwhelmed
Simple strategies to start (or deepen) meaningful author connections
Takeaway Challenge:
Reach out to one person in the writing industry you like but haven’t spoken to in a while. Just say hi. Ask how they’re doing. That’s it. That’s networking.
Support the Show:
If you found this episode thought-provoking and helpful, please leave a review on your favorite podcast platform and share it with fellow authors. Every review helps more writers discover this resource.
Happy Writing!
TRANSCRIPT:
Claire: [00:00:00] Welcome back to another episode of What If For Authors. I'm glad you're here. My name's Claire Taylor and I'm an Enneagram certified coach for authors as well as a humor and mystery writer. All my services, courses and books for authors can be found@liberatedwriter.com. Go check it out. If you're curious about how you can build a more sustainable author career in uncertain times.
So I'm curious if anyone is actually gonna listen to this episode because the topic is one that those who would benefit from it. Are likely to have all kinds of barriers up against the idea of even considering it. Um, but we'll see. I guess we'll see. So in this episode, we're gonna ask the question, what if I hate networking?
Authors are by and large, fairly solitary people. We learn to do things on our own without needing to ask for help from others unless we absolutely need it. If you're listening to this episode, you probably fall into that [00:01:00] category, and if you're not sure why this might be become a problem for your author career, go check out the last episode all about asking you for help.
Needing to rely on others isn't a failure of any kind. And our success in anything we try is often reliant upon the network of people we have around us. One of the best things we can do for ourselves and our author career then is to build our network. So it kind of sucks if we hate networking. I wanna help us broaden the definition of networking today, because I think for many of us, especially those coming from a corporate background.
Networking has become almost synonymous with transactional relationships. Superficial transactional relationships. And yeah, if that's how you imagine networking to be, then it might make you want to take a shower. Just thinking about it, it's thaty.
Creating transactional relationships can fall under the umbrella of networking, but it also tends to fall under the [00:02:00] umbrella of burning bridges later on down the road. I've seen this happen with authors who treat networking like this. There was a, a thing a while ago, um, I'm not gonna name names if you know, you know, but if not.
Don't ask you, I'm not gonna name names, but there was a thing a while ago where an author recommended keeping a running list of contacts in the industry, but limiting the number to something like a dozen people. So then when someone stopped being a useful contact, whatever that meant, the instruction was to replace their name with someone else's.
So that seems sociopathic frankly, it's, it's really treating people like assets rather than humans. Um, with as deep of a consciousness as you and I have, it's weird stuff, but it's also kind of how many of us consider networking to function, right?
I prefer to think of a network more like fungal mycelium. I won't drag you too deep into my nerd dim of mycology, but essentially a mycelium is a branching collection of pha, which are individual strings [00:03:00] of the fungus. So the mycelium fans out in all different directions looking for nutrients. And when a source is found, that information is communicated to all of the pha that make up the mycelium.
So the fungus wouldn't thrive without this structure.
Now, I know we're not fungi, so I'm not gonna draw a bold Jordan Peterson esque comparison between unlike creatures, so I only mentioned mycelium, to help us imagine how a network can function to benefit each of the individuals inside of it. Networking isn't. If I give you two editing clients, I expect you to give me two coaching clients, or at least that's the least efficient way to go about it and arguably the least sustainable.
Our author network can supply us with nourishment of all varieties from a shoulder, Tory, on to technical knowledge to someone to write with at a coffee shop, to someone who sends funny memes when you need them. And you and all your complex [00:04:00] glory have so many things to offer to your network that you probably don't even recognize as nourishment.
So looking to the Enneagram for inspiration on this, obviously, , let's say maybe you're an optimistic seven, the enthusiast or you're a supportive two, the helper or a reasonable one, the reformer. If you're an eight, the Challenger, you probably don't even realize how much your sense of empowerment and agency influences others around you to try to embody the same empowerment and agency.
If you're a nine, the peacemaker, you may think you're nothing special, but to your network, you're a studying presence or a compassionate listener. My point here is that a lot of the time people who claim they hate networking are mostly just unsure what they have to offer. It is also possible that in the past they've come into contact with the transactional networkers who were so unable to see past the superficial, how will this person give me more money or influence in the future that [00:05:00] they acted in such a way that reinforced your idea that you don't have anything to offer.
But if there's anything I've learned from my studying of the Enneagram, it's that each type brings crucial gifts to a network. So let's say there's a network full of nothing but threes. The achievers as ambitious and savvy as that network might be, it won't hold together long without some other types in the mix, A network without any sixes, the loyalists will likely overlook obvious risks coming down the pipeline or underestimate those risks and fail to properly prepare contingencies.
A network without any fours may stop appreciating the artistry of what we do as writers and reduce the process solely to some sort of replicable form that lacks the soul of the artist inside it.
Of course, we have all nine types inside of us to varying degrees, so not having someone who is dominant in one type might not mean that there's none of that type showing up in the network. But hopefully you see that a strong network [00:06:00] has all the nine perspectives at play to stay sustainable and fruitful.
Some of you will have the tendency to only network with people of your same type because you'll feel understood by them and have similar values and drives. You won't always have someone offering a contradictory opinion to things, but this is not the wisest approach. A strong network needs variety in both perspectives and gifts.
That's not to say that you have to network with people who say, don't believe you should have full human rights. Right. I'm definitely not saying that you don't have to network with racists or homophobes or misogynist or any of the other delightful bigots who are parading around lately, fully out in the open.
Hopefully by now, you know I'm not gonna be telling you that.
You might also find that a particular Enneagram type rubs you the wrong way. Now, that type's gonna vary from person to person based on past experiences and your relationship with parts of yourself. But there will be one or two that fall into that fucking guy territory for you, and [00:07:00] you would benefit from having folks of that type in your network to believe it or not.
Now before I move on, I think it would be useful to address some of the possible reasons by Enneagram type that someone might hate networking. And this is just off the top of my head mostly. So take it as a starting point of inquiry rather than me knowing you better than you do. Right. Okay. So why ones the reformers might hate networking.
Maybe it feels like people are judging them and it's really hard to get past that. Maybe they're looking for a perfect connection and there's standards for who meet the criteria for a good connection are unrealistic. Maybe you don't feel like you have anything useful to offer. These are all things that are gonna make a one very reluctant to get out there and get going on the networking.
Why choose the helpers might hate networking if you don't feel like you're able to help anyone there. You may not know where to start. Your fear of rejection might be causing too much anxiety to wanna get involved. You might rehash the interaction so much afterward that it becomes a [00:08:00] source of social anxiety in the future.
Y threes the achievers might hate networking. Maybe you feel pressure to present a successful image and hide anything you perceive to be a failure. Maybe you fall into comparison with others rather than connecting with them. Why fours? The individualists might hate networking. You feel like the whole thing is inauthentic, so you choose not to engage, or maybe it stokes envy in you and re reinforces a negative self image and you become so concerned with that, that you fail to authentically connect with others.
Why fives? The investigators might hate networking. Maybe you see it as a drain on your battery and fail to see the ways. A strong network also offers you energy back. Maybe your anxiety gets you trapped in your head and you're afraid of looking foolish, so you forget to connect emotionally with others and ask them about their lives.
Why sixes? The loyalists might hate networking. Maybe it takes you a while to be able to trust people and you get caught up looking for red flags rather than [00:09:00] approaching others with curiosity that could make the experience pleasurable and create a secure connection.
Why sevens? The enthusiasts might hate networking. You might have avoidant tendencies that keep your interactions pleasant but shallow and creating deep connections might feel like a commitment you're not ready to make at that point. Why eights? The challengers might hate networking. Maybe you're used to feeling like you're too much, and so you may spend a lot of energy trying to keep tabs on that.
Your focus on power and influence might have led you to make unwise connections in the past with people who burned you and now you're so armored up, you don't wanna connect again.
Why nines? The peacemakers might hate networking. Maybe you leave the event feeling like people tolerated you, but no one really wants to hear from you. You don't share enough of yourself to give something to connect with for people, and you have a history of connections not leading anywhere, even though they're likely very pleasant.
Those are just some ideas to get you started. [00:10:00] And yeah, a few might hit on blind spots that feel like an attack. Those are free of charge. Okay, so outside of transactional networking where you say, go to a conference and hand out your business cards to people who seem like they could help your career log, what else is there in networking?
So I talked about broadening the idea of the term, but what else do I consider a part of that? Just make friends. Y'all make friends with people in your industry and you might be thinking that's easy for you, Claire, but I'm terrible at making friends. So first of all, it's not easy for me. I've had to do a lot of work to be able to be as sociable as I.
I am now to be as comfortable in social situations as I am now, which still is not particularly, , comfortable. I still feel a little awkward, but I've done a lot of work and I've seen improvement. My social anxiety used to be off the charts. I would like hide in my car, I'd hide in a bathroom anywhere. I didn't have to talk to people that I didn't know.
There were a couple times where I'd get to a gathering, park the car [00:11:00] and just be unable to get myself out, like. My body is just like absolutely not. So I'd nope outta there after driving all the way to get there and without meeting a single person. Now my skills and abilities are different from yours, so I'm not doing that.
I did it in so can you nonsense. That I tend to rail against. But I will say that social skills are skills. We can learn them. They'll be more difficult for some people to learn than others. But you can learn them. And if you get tired after a gathering of people rest, you may just always be a little tired after the gathering.
That's okay. Rest. Do what you need to do, refill your well, and then get back in it. It's all part of that process. Build that time in. Now, if you're one of these people who loses track of time, when you're around people, that's me. Um, set an alarm. Then leave when it goes off so you don't overdo it. Whatever you need to do, start learning [00:12:00] what that is.
There is a way for you to be social, and if there's any group who is already primed for enjoying conversation with you, it's other authors, you already know that you have more in common with them than most people.
So for those who are like, yeah, I'm totally awkward, Claire, even with other authors, okay, here are some practical tips that I've learned along the way from my own painful experience and from reading about other people's painful experience. Plan out some questions to ask people in advance, right? These can be very simple to get the conversation started.
What genre do you write? Who are some authors you like to read? When did you start writing those kinds of questions? This one I really like, which is come up with an exit line ahead of time, right? When the conversation seems to be coming to an end, maybe you realize this is not someone you want to continue networking with or you're just getting tired.
You can go to this exit line. So that would be something like, Hey, it was really great chatting with you, if that's true for you. [00:13:00] Uh, I'm gonna step outside for some air, but I'll see you around. Then you can actually step outside for a break if you need it. Then wave to the person the next time you see them, unless they were a creep, in which case avoid them.
And then here's another useful tip. As soon as you realize you've forgotten someone's name, which you will do, right? If you're socially anxious, uh, you will be overwhelmed by some of the stimuli. And so what you can do is you can pause and say, I'm sorry. I'm terrible with names. Can you remind me of yours? Now, your ego will tell you to feel embarrassed about this, but the message this is actually sending is that you are a mere mortal, but you really like this person and it matters to you that you remember their name.
So think about when someone has said that to you and how it actually made you feel more connected to them because of that vulnerability and honesty. Anyone who gets offended by you forgetting their name, like maybe they're like, oh, I'm so famous. She should've known my name, or whatever. Um, that person's an egomaniac [00:14:00] and it's really good to know that sooner rather than later.
And then here's another tip. Start with one person. You know, it can be overwhelming for us introverts to walk into a room where we don't know anyone, right? That first step becomes almost impossible, so make at least one friend prior to the event, whether that's online or you bring someone with you. Then rather than focusing on your own overwhelm, the two of you.
Can go look for one person in the room who's standing alone and doesn't seem to know anyone, and then go chat that person up. Be of service to those who are feeling the same way you are, and you'll find yourself stepping outside of your self-consciousness pretty quick. Next tip, if you lead with your accomplishments, how much you make, how many books you've written, awards you've received, or other personal accomplishments that might be related to your writing or status.
Be prepared to end up building a network of people who want to use those things to their advantage and can't see past them to form a deeper [00:15:00] connection. If someone asks you how many books you've published, you can be as vague or specific as you want, but the ego sometimes wants to armor up in professional situations by projecting success, power, and status to others.
And that armor doesn't do what you think it's gonna do. It doesn't build the kind of networks that are sustainable. I've seen this.
I've seen the kind of networks this builds everyone in. It wants to outdo everyone else in their network and they act nice to each other, but then they talk shit about the others behind their backs. Networks like that go down in a ball of flames inevitably.
Okay, so when it comes to networking, many of us would do well to take a quality over quantity approach. If you go to an author event and leave with one person who you sort of connected with, you can call that a success, and then this is important. Email the person for fuck's sake, send a follow up email.
Do it. Honestly, I don't [00:16:00] know why people think this isn't a required part of building a connection with someone new. It doesn't have to be an email. If you get their phone number, text them. If you find them on Facebook or Instagram or some other social network, message them. But you do need to follow up because they might be wondering if you two really hit it off or if they were just making it up.
They might get in their head about the whole thing. And simple communication from you and the week following the interaction will go a long way in letting them know that you did actually enjoy speaking with them and that you'd like to continue a connection.
So, if you find yourself getting caught up in the, do they wanna hear from me? Put yourself in their shoes and imagine that. Maybe they're feeling the same way, and you can actually reassure them with a simple message. Now, I know that sending that follow-up communication can feel like you're setting yourself up for rejection.
I get it, [00:17:00] and I know a lot of people are using the phrase rejection sensitivity as permission for not taking that risk. Now it can be validating to get a term that describes the intensity or struggle of something you're feeling. I totally get that. What some people do though is then say that because they have something like a rejection sensitivity, they're not gonna try to work with it at all.
This is a way of using a descriptive label as armor as a way of sparing ourselves from the pain necessary to get to the bigger life we want. Will certain things cause more pain for you with your rejection sensitivity? Sure. There are things that you can do easily that will cause a lot of pain for other people, and I'm not gonna tell those other people to just never even try it, right?
So certain things are harder for certain people, but we still get to make the choice whether we're ready to try those things anyway. Just try them run the experiment. It is possible to develop less sensitivity to rejection through practice [00:18:00] exposure and the process of depersonalizing their response.
Okay, so you email or text them, right, that a million things come up in your life, and if they don't respond, you probably won't even realize it until months later, most likely. And by then, you'll have moved on to other things. Hey, at least you tried their loss. The anxiety about it can become outsized if we let it go untouched for too long.
I know, I know. It sucks when someone you thought you clicked with doesn't seem to wanna maintain communication after that initial meeting. But here's what I do when I find myself wondering if they even wanna hear from me. I remember that they might be feeling the exact same way, and my email to them could be the thing that puts their mind in heart at ease and that tells them that they didn't read the situation wrong.
And then from that can grow a really nice relationship where they know I'm excited about the connection. And if you don't hear back, yeah, that happens sometimes. Doesn't mean they don't like you. The trick, as I mentioned before, is [00:19:00] depersonalizing it. That'll make you more resilient. Even as I'm recording this, my brain is going, oh shit, you never replied to that person who reached out.
And it's not because I don't care, it's because I am easily distracted and no matter how much I try, I can't get off the email list. That clutter my inbox looking at you. Office Depot, Wayfair, but also I've sent out that contact and not heard back. And when I remembered a while later, I felt that cringe. You know, y So here's a trick for when you feel that cringe. When that happens to you, try saying, ouch. Right, acknowledge that the emotional pain is also unpleasant physical sensation, and that can help kind of move it through your body so it doesn't sort of calcify as shame.
So I'll do something like, ouch. That is unfortunate, and usually at that point I'll be able to have myself a little chuckle about it. Another concern I hear [00:20:00] about networking from authors is. And this is a very valid one, but I'm on the autism spectrum, so it's really difficult for me to read signals and be in loud rooms and so forth.
So a few things on that just to encourage you. First, there's a huge community of authors on the spectrum, so there might be more understanding for those particular needs than you think.
Those who aren't on the spectrum in, in this industry, like me, I don't consider myself to be on the spectrum. I've never had a diagnosis. I've looked at this, this sort of, you know, hallmarks, I don't resonate with them. And now some of you might be like, are you sure about that, Claire? But my point is, as someone who probably isn't on the spectrum, I know a lot of people who are, many of them are my good friends.
And that didn't stop me from networking with them. Right. There's a lot of allowance, a lot of understanding, and just a lot of space for what you may consider your awkward autistic traits. [00:21:00] Others may find them endearing, right? They may be a huge benefit. I mean, the things that sort of honesty the straightforwardness of some of my friends on the spectrum, , the unique perspectives, I really value those.
So if you have, you know, there's a wide spectrum obviously. So if you have something like sensory issues that make it really hard to be in those rooms, you can ask someone to move into a quieter side room or a booth at the edge of the space and just tell 'em the crowd's overwhelming, whatever you need.
So most authors understand these needs and those who don't, just aren't the people you wanna be networking with right now.
When it comes to networking, here's another success that you can be sure to count. Deepening your connection with someone you already know. So maybe you go to an event and you don't make a connection with anyone new, right? You haven't met, talked to anyone new. Don't call it a failure. Maybe there was someone there [00:22:00] you'd met a couple times before, but never really talked with outside of like a group context.
And now you get to have a one-on-one conversation with them and maybe you plan time to go right at a cafe together. That's deepening a connection and a network isn't measured simply by the number of people in it, but also the depth and connection of those in it. A large network of shallow connections can actually be quite frail.
Sure you're playing a numbers game so that you know maybe a few connections and you still have others to fall back on. But sometimes you need depth in those connections more than you need sheer numbers. Having a lot of shallow connections can also be a source of loneliness in an already solitary line of work, which is just not great.
So definitely make sure to not overlook when you go to a networking event of any kind in person, online, whatever, and you feel like you've deepened your connection with someone.
Now your human network will likely consist of more than just professional connections, but [00:23:00] today I'm focusing mostly on professional connections. So just to be clear on that. And here's a big thing, you don't need to network in person. It's not required. Make online friends and forums you're in or in Facebook groups, the same rules apply.
If you just vibe with someone, send them a message, offer to put their book in your newsletter, you know, reach out.
So I structure my Liberated Writer five week course so that people meet and discuss their author career with the same group of about 20 to 30 people for three hours a week for five weeks. Right? That's a lot. Now I'm not sticking everyone in a group together just because it suits me. I am serving up possible networking opportunities on a silver platter, and y'all so few people take advantage of it, it.
It drives me up the fucking wall. I, I feel, I, I feel like I'm going nuts because I'm like, here it is. Here are the people who are ready to support you and who will value your support and, ah. [00:24:00] Like I can see which people are on the same wavelengths and which ones tend to mesh with others. And when I check in later, people have not reached out.
I even encourage people to start a Discord or Facebook group to keep up with the other authors who are doing the same deep work, and it's astounding how many people won't put in the effort to reach out and try to keep up. So, yeah, that's a little ranty. That's my own little personal rant, but it just really boggles my mind.
Like I, I'm trying to make it as easy as possible. 'cause this is one of the most valuable things you can develop in your career, your network. And it, it can be really difficult to get started, especially if you can't afford to go to the in-person events. So, just a thing, if you're gonna take my five week course, just consider it.
A valuable networking resource. Just go in with that mindset and see what happens. The thing is having relationships of any kind, it takes conscious work, it takes effort, but you won't find those lucky moments that make [00:25:00] careers unless you build that network. And if you're expecting it to just happen naturally to just exist and you get to show up whenever you feel like it, you're gonna be disappointed.
It takes effort to maintain a network. And I know that can feel overwhelming when you have a million other things on your plate, but when you're overwhelmed is also exactly when the network you've created pays off big. If you let it. Not to mention, sometimes when we feel powerless or ineffectual or all out of ideas, reaching out to others to check in with them and offer support is what reminds us of our power and restores our hope that something positive outside of our current imagination could still happen.
For us, showing up for your network is sometimes the exact antidote you need, but you have to build the network first, and then you have to maintain it.
The work is worth it though. I promise. It's worth the awkward encounters, the disappointment and rejection that occasionally find us when we have relationships with others [00:26:00] and the effort of remembering to reach out to those we like in our industry with a simple, Hey, how's life or wanna jump on a Zoom call soon?
Or wanna go get some coffee this weekend? Over time, the effort will stop feeling like effort and the anxiety will put up much less resistance for us. So if you're wondering, what if I hate networking? I'd say to start by broadening your definition of networking too simple. Relationship building with people in your industry.
You don't need to know how they will benefit you in your career. If you like them, just keep up with them. If you notice yourself thinking transactionally, take a step back and notice how that makes you feel insecure. Practice some skills for meeting new people if you need to. Like sentence stems for introducing yourself and leaving our conversation as well as asking someone to repeat their name.
Then do the work of following up the initial conversation if you think the person is someone you'd like to speak with again, when you start to feel [00:27:00] self-conscious. In those interactions, try to shift your thinking from how you might be perceived to what you can do in that moment to help the other person feel less self-conscious and more relaxed, and don't get caught up in the game of numbers and forget to spend time deepening connections that feel enrichening and positive.
At the end of the day, networking is just making ourselves and others in this industry feel a little less alone and a little more supportive. It's a beautiful thing and it only makes all of us stronger if we network with people who understand.
It's a beautiful thing, and it only makes each of us stronger if we network with people who we understand and who understand us, who challenge us to be better and to try new things, as well as support us in taking the rest we need when we need it. So here's a challenge for you to end this episode. If you hate networking, give this a try.
Send a message to someone in this industry, you know, and like, but maybe haven't spoken with in a while. Just say, [00:28:00] hey, and that you're thinking of them. Maybe ask them how things are going lately. Do it even if you're not sure if they'll respond anytime soon. That's all. Networking is connecting, taking care of one another, recognizing that you have something to offer and that it can be nice to have people on your team who wanna see you succeed and who know that your success doesn't take anything away from theirs who know that success isn't a zero sum game, and that this life has room for everyone to thrive together.
That's it for this episode of What If for Authors. Thanks for joining me and I hope you'll take up the challenge to reach out to someone in this industry you haven't talked to in a while. It's a wonderful thing to have people in your life.
If you wanna learn more about how I support authors, go to liberated writer.com. I'm Claire Taylor, in case you forgot my name, and oh, I hope you'll join me next time. Happy writing and networking.